The Links Between Self-Blame, Strong Emotions, and Defences

In my private practice, I often work with people of all ages who believe they are "bad" at managing their emotions. Many blame themselves for feeling unsafe or for having strong emotional reactions to certain situations. It's common to hear clients express shame, guilt, or anger towards themselves for what they perceive as "not coping."

A significant part of psychodynamic counselling involves gently exploring these feelings at a pace that feels manageable and safe. Over time, many clients are surprised to discover that their emotional responses are not signs of failure, but deeply understandable reactions shaped by early experiences. Often, from a very young age, people find themselves in situations that feel confusing, overwhelming, or out of their control. In such cases, children adapt instinctively to survive — emotionally and psychologically — by developing protective strategies.

These strategies are what psychodynamic theory calls defences. Defences are automatic psychological processes that protect us from emotional pain or threat. They are not weaknesses, but rather creative and necessary survival tools — especially when someone is faced with difficult environments or relationships early in life.

Where defences become less helpful is when they become fixed or "stuck" — repeating themselves even when they no longer serve us in the present. As adults, we might find ourselves reacting to everyday situations with anxiety, low mood, self-doubt, or persistent anger without understanding why. You may sense that something is “not quite right,” but feel unsure how to change it.

In therapy, we work together to understand where these patterns originated and how they helped you manage past experiences. There is often relief in recognising that what may seem like “overreactions” are, in fact, protective responses rooted in earlier relationships and life events. As we uncover and explore these patterns, therapy can help build more flexible, conscious ways of coping — which often leads to greater self-confidence, emotional regulation, and healthier relationships.

Understanding your defences and their origins can be a transformative and empowering process. Negative feelings toward yourself can begin to soften. Relationships may improve. And the sense of being “stuck” can give way to renewed movement and possibility.

If this describes your experience, psychodynamic counselling may offer a meaningful way forward. Life doesn’t have to be locked into old patterns — with the right support, change is possible.